


it comes and goes in waves

by bartallen



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: 5 +1 things, Gen, M/M, angst (because jason and tim are in this), damian is 15 and an angsty teen™, depression (it's not much but it's like there?), gosh everyone has issues in this i'm sry, jayroy is mentioned for 0.2 seconds because author can't write anything without them, no capes AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 14:09:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11037780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bartallen/pseuds/bartallen
Summary: five times damian almost comes out and the one time he does





	it comes and goes in waves

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. this is a no capes!au, which means all of them have a little less angst to deal with. bruce has still adopted all of them, though.
> 
> 2\. dick is 25, jason and cass are 21, duke is 20, tim is 19 and damian is 15.
> 
> 3\. title is from waves by dean lewis. i've been listening to that song on repeat while writing it tbh
> 
> 4\. a big thank you to [betül](http://damiarnwayne.tumblr.com/) & [marga](http://daminwayne.tumblr.com/) for being very patient with me and giving me their stamp of approval for this ily guys.

**one. (dick)**

 

Dick is always a safe person to be around, Damian decides. He is someone who takes the big brother role very seriously, but also someone who succeeds in doing so. Even though sometimes a bit too intense, Damian believes that he truly has the purest intentions at heart. That’s the only reason why he let himself be talked into this lunch trip. Dick hasn’t been living at the Manor for a few years now, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t stay in touch, because he does. And even though Dick is a great liar, someone who can fool Tim and even Bruce, he cannot fool Damian. Damian knows that Dick has been feeling stressed and down lately, most likely due to being stressed at work but also because of the struggles in his relationship. Damian knows that being a police officer was not as nice as Dick always claimed it to be, especially in a place like Bludhaven where crime is almost as bad as in Gotham. 

  
Right now, Dick is picking at his noodles in front of him and putting on a brave face, occasionally smiling and asking how things at school are ( _they’re the same, always the same_ ). 

  
“So,” Dick finally gives up on his noodles and puts down his silverware, placing them neatly in a 4:20 position. “How’s your love life going?”  
Damian rolls his eyes, because count on Dick Grayson to be engaged in someone else’s love life even though his own is going down the drain. _(He hasn’t talked to Dick about Barbara in ages, but Tim has, and Tim just can’t keep a secret.)_

“Come on, Damian,” Dick is outright pouting now. “You’re fifteen. Surely some girl must have caught your attention.”  


Damian leans back in his chair, his own plate already neatly put together in front of him, and simply stares at his older brother.  
_He looks tired._ And he does: there are dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep and his usually well styled hair falls damply into his face. _And yet here he is trying to be cheerful with me, entertaining me._

 

And Damian feels brave. 

 

“I don’t like girls.”

 

He holds his breath –

 

Dick looks at him thoughtfully for a moment, then smiles. Fondly, he shakes his head. “Maybe you’re still too young, then. Don’t worry, little brother, it’s merely a matter of time.”

 

– and lets it out again.

 

Maybe another time, then.

 

 

 

**two. (jason)**

 

Jason may have moved out of the Manor two years ago, but that doesn’t stop him from spending most of his free time there anyway. When Damian comes home from school that day, Jason is occupying his favourite high chair at the kitchen counter and staring intensely at a magazine. He looks up when Damian enters and nods his head in a manner that’s probably supposed to be a greeting. 

 

“Aren’t you supposed to be in college or something?”

  
Damian throws his messenger bag on the ground before sitting down on the opposite chair, straight across from Jason. 

  
“Oh, please,” Jason laughs humourlessly as he shakes his head. “If Bruce hadn’t wanted me to be around this often, he wouldn’t have begged me to go to school in Gotham.”

 

And _well_ , that’s true. Damian knows there is a good reason why Bruce can’t fully let go of Jason,and he doesn’t think that it will ever change. He has to stop himself from staring at the scars on Jason’s arms and focuses on the magazine Jason has in front of him instead. 

  
“Can you believe this?” Jason murmurs, clearly caught up again in whatever article he was reading before. “ _6 Ways To Stop Being Socially Awkward._ What the fuck?” 

 

Damian watches his brother reading the lines silently to himself and wonders what it would be like to be more like Jason. Sometimes people mistake Jason’s confidence for arrogance, but Damian knows better. Mostly, he just doesn’t care about anything at all. He knows he has the unconditional support of his family despite their struggles, and he doesn’t feel the need to ever explain himself. But Damian isn’t like that, Damian needs structure, and he needs affirmation. So what if he likes boys ( _one specific boy_ )? He knows that it’s okay, because not once did his family make a comment that would suggest otherwise. And besides, everyone knows that Jason has dated boys and girls, if his weird relationship with Roy that nobody but them understands is anything to go on. But Jason never elaborates, and he doesn’t share. And that’s okay.

 

Not stressing about anything, just being true to himself, Damian _wants_ that. He wants to be able to just _say_ it without making a big deal out of it. He doesn’t even think anyone would really care, so why is it so important to him? Maybe all of this would be easier if Jason did have his coming out moment, because then Damian could relate. 

 

Jason, despite not being known to be emotional with his siblings, could still be a safe choice.

 

_Here goes nothing._

  
  
“Jason.”

 

And Jason looks up, dark bangs falling into his green eyes, clearly irritated.

 

“Yeah?”

  
But Damian doesn’t feel ready. Not yet.

 

 “What is it?” Jason sits up when Damian continues staring at him without speaking.

  
Damian shrugs. “Are you staying here tonight?”

 

Jason visibly relaxes and his lips turn into a grin. “Why? Did you miss having me around?”

 

 “Tt. You wish.”

 

Jason leans forward to ruffle Damian’s hair, and the moment is gone.

 

 

 

**three. (tim)  
**

 

Seeing Tim at home during the day is as rare as catching Bruce watching television. So when he enters the living room and sees his brother’s figure hidden under a blanket, he stops in his tracks and considers. It’s only after three pm, and usually Tim would be at Wayne Enterprises with Bruce. He takes a few steps towards the couch without making a sound, in case Tim is sleeping. The TV is on, playing an old episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, but Tim isn’t really focusing on the screen, but rather staring at the ceiling. 

  
“Are you sick?” 

  
Tim slowly shrugs, indicating that he heard Damian speak. He’s silent for a moment, the only sound in the room being the screaming of Jake Peralta on the screen behind Damian. “Bruce told me to stay home.” Tim admits, eventually. His voice sounds hoarse, as if not being used for days. Damian sighs and looks around for the remote, eventually finding it on the floor next to Tim. He turns off the TV and the other boy doesn’t protest when he sits down next to him.

 

His light face looks even paler than usual and even from the distance Damian can spot sweat dripping from his forehead. His dark eyes look dull and unfocused.

 

“Did you sleep?”

 

Tim doesn’t answer, and that’s all Damian needs to know.

  
“Did you at least eat?”

 

“Just leave me to die.”

 

Damian hits him on his knee. “Pennyworth told you to stop saying stuff like that.”  


 

When there’s only silence again, Damian shakes his head and gives Tim’s knee another shove. “I’m hungry.”  


 

Tim slowly turns his head to stare incredulously at Damian, but Damian only shrugs.

  
“You’re older than me.”

  
“Doesn’t mean I have to make you food?”

 

Damian gets up from the couch and with slow movements he pulls the blanket from Tim’s body, giving him the chance to grab it if he wants. But Tim lets him pull it off and instead sits up, if only with some effort. 

 

-

 

They end up eating cereal on the sofa, because Damian can’t be bothered to fix anything and Tim is a known mess in the kitchen.

 

“Thank you.” Tim says after a few minutes of comfortable silence. He puts down his bowl on the table in front of them and grabs the blanket from where it’s lying on the floor. Damian just shrugs and stacks Tim’s bowls on his own. Tim pulls the blanket under his chin, but doesn't lay back down. Instead he leans back and rests his head on Damian’s shoulder. 

  
Damian stills for a moment before relaxing against the touch. It’s not often that the brothers share these moments of endearments, and when they do it’s usually during moments like this. They’re both vulnerable like this. Perhaps that’s why Tim says what he does next.

 

“I’m so tired,” Tim pauses here, as if undecided whether to continue speaking or not. “I feel useless.”

  
Damian turns his head to look at him then. His eyes are closed and his face looks anything but relaxed, but at least he’s not sweating anymore.

  
“You’re not useless.”

 

Tim huffs then, his eyes still closed and his voice quiet. “Are you going soft, Damian?”

  
“Tt. I’m just stating facts.”

 

Tim doesn’t say anything after that and Damian waits until his breathing turns more even. 

 

“Drake.”

 

“Hm.”

 

He doesn’t even know why he wants to say it, part of him thinks that he just wants someone to _know_ , so that he doesn’t feel as alone anymore. And it’s this moment right now, where no one is home except the two of them and Tim is reaching out, isn’t he? Maybe he can make a step towards him as well.

 

“Tim,” he tries again, the name not as foreign on his tongue as it used to be a few years back. “I’m gay.”  


 

He doesn’t know what to expect, but total silence it’s not. 

  
Brows furrowed, he leans down to look at his brother.

 

Who is, because _of course he is_ , fast asleep.

 

“لا يصدق”

 

He spares Tim one last glance, before shaking his head. 

  
  
“Sleep well.”

 

 

 

**four. (cass & duke)**

 

Usually Alfred is the one doing all the grocery shopping, but on this specific day, Damian ends up wheeling a shopping cart in the supermarket while Cass and Duke are throwing random items in the cart here and then. He speculates that only Duke is paying attention to the list that Alfred gave them, while Cass just picks stuff she finds particularly interesting. 

 

“Cass, I don’t think Alfred mentioned anything about unicorn cupcakes,” Duke squints at the purple cakes sitting in the cart, while Cass shrugs and holds up another two sets of cupcakes.

 

“Damian, pick.” 

 

Damian doesn’t even like cupcakes, but for Cass’ sake he studies the two sets she’s holding up. The cupcakes on the left are in rainbow colours, while the others are decorated with black sprinkles.  


“Don’t you think we have enough cupcakes now? Who’s gonna eat all of them?” Duke chirps in, but Cass shushes him without looking away from Damian.

  
“I don’t know,” Damian shrugs, suddenly uncomfortable. “Just pick whatever you like.”  
  
Cass shakes her head. “No, youngest brother chooses.”

  
“Tt,” Damian sighs and, like every member of the family not one for denying Cass any wishes,chooses. “Those ones.”

 

Cass grins, clearly satisfied with that answer, and puts the rainbow cup cakes in the cart. 

  
Duke urges Damian to move the cart forward, clearly done with this part of the market. “No more cupcakes, Cass.”

  
The short girl makes an affirmative sound, and Duke fondly rolls his eyes.  
  
Out of all his family members, those two are probably the ones that make Damian feel at ease the most. Duke’s carefree attitude and Cass’ empathetic nature are nothing but relaxing to be around. Especially on days like this, when Damian feels more isolated than ever.

 

He is finally in a relationship. And he doesn’t know how to feel about it. 

  
Of course he is happy, because being with that boy was everything he wanted for weeks now, but having someone to call his _boyfriend_? That sounds exciting and scary at the same time. Especially since no one knows about it yet.

 

“You’re zoning out again,” Duke is standing in front of him, a knowing smile on his face as if he was reading his mind just a second ago. “Are you in love or something?”

 

He can see Cass tilting her head to the side while she’s standing in front of the milk, having obviously overheard the question.

  
Damian shrugs. “Tt.”

 

Cass turns around then, putting two galleons of milk in the cart. Her and Duke’s eyes meet for a second, and then they’re moving forward again, looking for whatever else Alfred has put on the list.

  
Was he in love? Could a fifteen-year-old even _be_ in love?

  
His mother always used to talk about his father as her “beloved”, and yet they never were in a relationship.

 

Sure, he likes him, enjoys spending time with him, but that doesn’t mean he’s in love? Does it?

 

He feels frustrated all over again, pushing the cart with more force than necessary, which causes the milk to fall over in the cart.   
  
Duke gives him a funny look, but says nothing.

 

“And what if I am?”

 

As soon as he says those words, he regrets them because both Duke and Cass look as if the sun lit up.   
  
“That’s great, Damian!” Duke seems delighted and puts a hand on his shoulder, as if Damian just told him that he was going to graduate with honours.

 

“I guess.”

  
Is now the time to say more? He could, but there’s something holding him back. He doesn’t want to see the shocked look on their faces when they realise that the person he’s dating is a boy.

  
Duke and Cass clearly want to say more, but Damian changes his mind and pushes the cart to the next aisle, ending the talk for now.

 

He can feel his siblings stare behind him, but he ignores them.

  
For now.

 

 

 

 

**five. (bruce)**

 

“You’ve been distracted.”

 

It may be stated as a fact, but Damian can tell it’s meant to be a question.

Bruce is sitting opposite of him, stirring a spoon in his cup, intentionally not looking at him. It’s just the two of them having breakfast today: Tim has Saturday classes to attend and Duke is visiting Jason at college, which leaves Damian alone with his father due to Alfred having the day off.

 

“Have I?”

 

_Two can play this game_ , Damian thinks. 

 

Bruce merely nods, clearly not wanting to give away more than necessary. Either he’s really hurt, or really curious. Damian cannot decide what it is yet.

 

“You missed our trip to the animal clinic yesterday.”

 

And, _oh_.

 

Damian looks up from his plate and gapes at Bruce.

 

_Really hurt, then._

 

“I’m sorry, Father,” Damian eventually chokes out. “I must have forgotten.”  
  
Bruce nods and finally puts the spoon down, before taking a sip of his coffee.

 

“It’s alright, I was just surprised,” he says. “You’ve never missed it before.”  


Going to the animal clinic together had become a tradition a few years back, when Damian had still been very distant with his family. Alfred had suggested him and Bruce do something together every month to get to know each other better and ever since then it had stuck. So far they hadn’t missed it once. 

  
Until now.

 

“I,” he starts, but trails off when he realizes what he had actually been doing. “I was meeting a friend. I’m sorry.”

  
Really he had been on a date, his very first one, to be precise. It was probably the most excited he had been in his life, but such a different experience than he had expected it to be. In the nervousness the date brought with it, he must have forgotten what day it was.

 

“Are you –“ Bruce leaves the sentence hanging for a moment, as if to compose himself. He sets the cup down again and folds his hands together before looking at Damian, slightly wincing. “Are you seeing anyone?”

 

And that is the moment when Damian decides he’d rather be anywhere else except here.

 

He’s staring at Bruce, who’s obviously trying very hard not to look away, and is again very thankful for his darker skin when he feels his cheeks burning.

 

“It’s okay if you, uh, are,” Bruce continues as if this isn’t the most awkward conversation ever. “You’re old enough now.”  


“I know.” Damian answers quietly.

  
His answer clearly puts Bruce at ease a bit, because his father visibly relaxes and his shoulders don’t seem as tense anymore. “So?”

“I guess you could say I’m seeing someone.”

  
And saying that out loud feels really good, he realizes. Not only does he feel _proud_ , but there’s also a warm feeling in his stomach. And maybe talking to someone about him isn’t so bad after all?

 

“Really?” He’s trying not to smile now. “That’s wonderful, Damian. Maybe you can bring her to dinner sometime?”

 

Damian’s heart drops into his stomach.

 

Bruce, always one for picking up quickly on emotions, frowns. “Is that not how things are done nowadays?”

 

And Damian is _angry_ , he’s angry at himself, because he’s making things difficult for no reason, but he just can’t help it.

 

“Do you not want to bring her?”

 

“No.”

 

Bruce flinches slightly, and he knows that he must sound way harsher than intended. It’s not his father’s fault for assuming, because there is no reason for him to think otherwise. And yet Damian can’t help but feel trapped.

 

“Oh.” Bruce is quiet now, going back to nodding. This time Damian doesn’t have to wait to see he’s clearly hurt. Because Bruce is actually _trying_ , and he knows how difficult it is for him to show emotions. And yet –

 

“I’m trying to –“, he starts, his voice is quiet and he can actually feel the prick of tears in his eyelids, _but there’s no way he’s going to cry about this._

_  
_ “Damian, what’s wrong?”

 

His father is looking at him now, this time however his face looks fully concerned and Damian realizes that he didn’t even finish his sentence.

 

“Nothing,” he blinks a few times and takes three deep breaths. “It’s nothing.”

 

He grabs his plate and abruptly gets up.

  
“Thank you for breakfast, Father.”

 

He can feel his father’s confused eyes on him as he leaves the room.

 

 

 

 

**plus one.**

 

“If you want I can pretend to be your very straight friend.”

 

Damian rolls his eyes, because that’s the third time he’s suggested this now.  
  
“No,” he repeats. “You don’t need to pretend anything.”

 

Colin smiles brightly. 

  
Damian hates how easy it is to make him happy. Or maybe he loves it.

 

They’re only a few hundred meters away from the Manor now; Colin has never been inside and today Damian feels like he’s going to enter it for the first time as well. All of his siblings are going to be there: Bruce’s birthday is in two days and Pennyworth always makes sure all of them are home for one of their birthdays.

 

They’ve reached the front steps now. One quick glance at Colin tells him he’s making the right choice. He truly does believe they’re going to be alright, but maybe being a little bit afraid is normal. At least that’s what Colin tells him.

  
Right now , however, he’s only smiling again and giving him an encouraging nod.  
  
Damian wants to scoff, but all that comes out is a smile in return.

 

When they enter the living room, everyone is already there: Bruce is seated on a single chair, absently chatting to Dick about something, while Cass and Duke are leaning over Cass’ smartphone, already seated at the table Alfred and Jason are still setting. Only Tim looks up when the two teenagers enter the room, having noticed them immediately from where he’s sitting on the couch.  


“Hey,” Tim says happily. “You brought a friend.”

 

Immediately every single pair of eyes is drawn to them as they awkwardly stand in the middle of the room.

 

Before anyone can say anything, Damian clears his throat and gestures towards Colin, who’sclearly trying not to smile too widely.

 

“This is Colin,” he says. And then: “My boyfriend.”  


He doesn’t want to see their faces, so he focuses on Colin instead, who looks at him as if he just hung the moon. His cheeks are rosy and he looks so, so happy that Damian wonders why it took him so long to do this.

 

He hears someone going “Oh my _god_.” and someone else whispering “I’m an idiot.”, which makes him turn his focus on his family again. 

 

Everyone is staring at him. Dick looks like he has tears in his eyes, while Jason suggestively raises his eyebrows at him, grinning widely. Cass and Duke look like they’ve been told the best news all day, while Tim’s smile from before has somehow become even wider. And Bruce; Bruce couldn’t look prouder. Understanding dawns in his eyes and he gets up from where he’s seated. He comes to stand before Damian and Colin, giving the latter a warm handshake. 

 

“Welcome, Colin,” he says. 

  
Colin beams at him. “Thank you, Sir.”

 

Bruce turns his attention to Damian, now. He puts his hand on Damian’s head and smiles down at him. _A few more years and he won’t have to look down anymore_ , Damian thinks.

His father’s hand slides down his face and lands on his shoulder, which he grips tightly. It’s a familiar gesture, one he gets whenever he does something that pleases him. Whenever he’s proud.  


 

And Damian feels at home. Because this feels right, finally.

 

“Let’s eat, shall we?” Alfred announces and everyone happily agrees. Damian turns his head to look at the butler, who winks at him. “Master Damian, I’ve made your favourites.”

 

“Thank you,” he says quietly, to everyone. 

 

Everyone gets moving, and he sees Alfred going into the kitchen, presumably getting another plate for Colin.

  
“I’ll sit next to you,” Colin says. Damian nods, because he couldn’t imagine anything else. 

  
Tim sits down on his other side and gives his arm a small shove. “And here I thought I was dreaming.”

 

Damian returns Tim’s grin with a small “Tt.”. 

 

Alfred comes back with another plate and serves the meal.

 

Everything feels alright.

 

**Author's Note:**

> _لا يصدق = unbelievable_
> 
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>  *steph brown voice from somewhere in the back* i knew all along!!!
> 
> also: i might turn this into a series, because i feel like there's a lot of room for every character in this? tell me what u think!!
> 
> find me on tumblr [here](http://jasovtodd.tumblr.com/)! feel free to send me prompts sometimes i feel inspired


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